Thursday, September 10, 2009


Moving in with someone means you have to learn to compromise. And by "compromise", of course, I mean do things you normally wouldn't do in order to get them to stop nagging you. The following is a list of the latest areas of improvement my darling live-in boyfriend has been generous enough to point out:

1.) After brewing a cup of coffee always immediately throw away the filter and rinds.
2.) Don't let the recycle bin get too full. It just makes it harder to carry outside.
3.) My Netflix queue is to be shared, not hoarded.
4.) Don't leave a dish dirty for more than 15 minutes after you're done eating. Immediately make your way to the dishwasher, do not pass Go, do not collect $100.
5.) Do not stop for gas in "bad" neighborhoods. You are bound to get raped and/or mugged.
6.) Do not jog down alleys. You are bound to get raped and/or mugged.
7.) Do not put vodka in the freezer. The bar must hold up to appearances and a missing staple, such as vodka, is suicide.
8.) Don't mix solid whites with light colors in the wash. Those babies must be bleached.
9.) Putting lemons, limes or tomatoes in the fridge drains them of their goodness. Do it, again; lose a hand.
10.) We don't need a large dresser. Clothes must be prioritized.
11.) A desk must always be by a window. Otherwise, your workspace becomes a prison.
12.) Do not tell a helicopter pilot in the Air Force that your friend's father flies helicopters for the Fire Department. It's insulting. (This one still has me scratching my head.)
13.) Only buy meat fresh and never from Trader Joes. Frozen buffalo burgers are a disgrace. Whole Foods is god.
14.) Don't recycle wine bottles. They make ideal ashtrays.
15.) And last but not least (now this is the rule I set down): Always kiss your partner when you come home from school.