Thursday, September 27, 2012

Funemployment Cards

The saying goes: "laughter is the best medicine." It's a life philosophy I ascribe to. And one of the few. So during these rough times of cutbacks, surmounting debt and joblessness, I've decided to start a recession greeting card company with two other friends. The current options for names are: Funemployment Cards, Recession Professions, Broke Jokes, Steal This Card, Sadutations or simply Reality Cards. However, we're more than open to suggestions. Just don't expect your cut of the profit. If you think we're making fun of our country's lackluster economic performance, well, we are. But it comes from experience, including the past year spent trying to come up for air beneath suffocating medical debt. This particular business idea came, though, not from hard times in particular but from a birthday card one of my jobless friends (and company co-creator) received from a close relative that read: "Here's wishing you a Happy Birthday and gainful employment." Passive aggressive literary genius. So here goes our first batch of similarly minded greetings:
The only thing scary this Halloween is your debt.
Happy Holidays, team! [Flip card] There will be no bonus.
This is my last greeting card at Recession Professions. I'm getting downsized. Hope you have better luck.
Happy Birthday/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years.
Follow the directions to fold this card into a bowl for stew.
Happy St. Patrick's Day. Pot o' gold not included.
Merry Christmas. Don't forget, Jesus was homeless too.
Happy Labor Day. NOT!  
Follow the directions to fold this card into a trap for rats. To eat.
I know it's your birthday. But you're the one with the job. Get your own friggin' present.
Merry Christmas. That manger is looking pretty good about now, ain't it?
Happy New Year! That's the only thing new you'll be getting this year.
Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. I "got" you some diamonds. Now pack a bag quick, we're headed for Mexico.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas. Because my heat is turned off, and I'm succumbing to hypothermia. 

Happy Easter. Now shoot that rabbit cause we got to eat. 
Christmas is a time of sharing. So can I borrow like 40 bucks?
Happy Easter, kids! Now go find the eggs I hid in our neighbor's chicken coop.

Happy Administrative Assistant Day! Oh wait, you watched them walk me out and then took my job. Traitor. 

Happy Halloween! Yeah, this is a robber "costume."

Happy Halloween! Now go out and get all the candy you can to resell at the flea market.

Happy Boxing Day. If we celebrate this shit, does that mean we can get free health care?

Happy Election Day. Either way, you're still out of a job. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Without the thanks. Or the giving.

Happy Hanukkah! Well, at least we have jobs. [Note: This one  penned by my Jewish friend.]

Happy Mother's Day, mom! You've always had a big space in your heart for me. Is there the same amount of space for me in the basement? 

Happy Father's Day, dad! Thanks for all the advice and love. Like telling me my degree was worthless. You nailed it. So do you still have that friend at Goldman Sachs that might be able to hook me up in the mail room? 

Happy Thanksgiving! This year I'm especially grateful that, while my friends went into student loan debt, I started growing weed. I'm doing GREAT! 
I know it's the 4th of July.
I should be having fun eating pie.
But instead I'm so broke,
I'm afraid it's no joke 
That I'd sooner just curl up and die

Happy 40th Wedding Anniversary. Your love is like my job search - endless.

Roses are red, violets are blue, we've shut off your gas, your bill is past due. Cordially, Pacific Gas and Electric. 

Happy Valentines Day, my love. Edible panties count as a romantic meal, right? 

Happy 4th of July! Although, if we'd stuck with the Brits, mom's diabetes medication would be covered. 

Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary! You're love is like my student loans - bottomless.
Happy Grandparents' Day! Um, now how much did you say you were leaving me in the will? Just curious. 

Happy retirement! Oh, and Happy 90th Birthday! 

Happy Easter. Now is a time for renewal, rebirth, and for me to start using a different last name because the IRS is looking for me. P.S. Burn this card. 

Congratulations on Graduation, kiddo! Now if you're thinking of getting your Masters... Don't.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Play Me An Upbeat Song, Mr. Pianoman

My Husband & I newly married.
I have always used music to soothe a broken heart.  There was a guy I was mad for back in college who only had an eye for my friend and to him I brutally sang a lot of Fiona Apple in the shower.  Or the first boy I ever kissed who decided his senior year he'd rather "be free like a bird" (a rare breed called the Horned Raven I believe), and for him Deep Blue Something's "Breakfast At Tiffany's" was the lyrical razor blade of choice.  For the breakup with my first love I listened to Dave Matthew's "Two Step" nearly two million times.  Then along my 1000-mile Camino hike this summer, Adele's latest angst-y offerings set fire to my 'leave love's past behind' heels.

Music is a wonderful retreat.  It can allow you to wallow if you like to muck around in the pain a bit.  Or it can help you get over someone - there's not a one of us who hasn't sung out loud the ultimate Clarkson anthem "Since You've Been Gone" to an imaginary Mr. or Ms. D-Bag.  Since the dawn of music, we've been rhythmically lamenting love as a species. 

But this begs the question: What do you do when you're happy in love?  After 30 years of the ups and downs of romance I have found my soulmate.  I simply can't relish in Lana Del Ray's new bittersweet album like I should be.  You'd think missing my Belgian husband during this green card process would spark it in me, but I really just need a damn pick-me-up!  Where are the non sullen love songs?  Do they even exist?  Maybe I just need to start thumbing through my grandma's old records to the crooners and Motowners of old.  Even when Bobby Darin sung about killing his love by holding her under water, he did it with such a cheerful, aw-shucks spirit you couldn't help but feel elated for the guy.  There was such an upbeat spin on depressing lyrics back then... Sigh.

Really, though, I'm not looking for love lyrics necessarily.  Just some suggestions of happy-go-lucky music ("The Dog Days Are Over" can't be it, can it?) that will let me revel in my new found true love.  I'm all ears... but only if it'll put a smile on my face.