Perhaps one of the hardest parts of getting used to singledom (once again) is sleeping alone at night. Sure, at first it's nice to spread your wings or slowly spin clockwise over the course of eight hours or roll from side to side like a steam roller without fear of knocking someone off the bed or getting an elbow to the eye. And, sure, it's nice not to be awakened by snoring or the sharp grinding of teeth or farting. However, a few months down the line you begin to realize that, hey, you really only sleep on one side of the bed anyway and, hey, the teeth grinding was like white noise lulling you to sleep at night and, hey, you miss that manly arm snuggled around you as you sleep, hugging you safe and sound. So what's a newly single girl to do? Live with it? Cry about it? Pay her gay male friends to cuddle up? Place an add in the Penny Saver? Craigslist? Heavens no. None of those things.
Japan, the country that first brought the world used schoolgirl panty vending machines, now introduces THE MAN PILLOW. Why I didn't come up with this in between my last two boyfriends god only knows. It's sheer brilliance stuffed between a faux work shirt. A woman named Suzuki in USA Today sums up its appeal ever so eloquently: "It doesn't squirm or thrash in the night, and you know it'll be there in the morning." If that isn't worth $80, I don't know what is. Not to mention it comes in three colors and its manufacturer, Kameo, will soon offer both muscular pillows for women who prefer their pillow well-built and slender models for those who desire a "more sensitive, vulnerable partner."
Monday, January 17, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Then there's the general rude factor, as best exemplified in two recent movie theater experiences. The first was at the Crest Theater during a screening of "A Christmas Story," which two tween girls talked through the entire time. "Like, what is that thing? A leg? Why is it glowing? Dumb."... "Oh my god, what does that ginger head keep laughing like that? So annoying. Dumb. And he's ugly."... "Are those robbers real? Why are they moving so fast? Stupid. Hehehehe. He put a cap in his a**. Sweet." These are direct quotes. My mother, who has even less patience for bad manners than I do, actually moved seats, leaving me to suffer alone. Then during "The King's Speech" at the Tower Theater there were two ladies having a heated argument through the first quarter of the movie. On and on and on they went after numerous 'shushes' and an employee intervening twice. The King may have been struggling to find his voice, but they sure the hell weren't. And then amongst this vocal squabble the woman two seats in front of me got a phone call and actually had the gall to answer it and start a conversation! Five minutes later someone finally walked over to her and told her to cut it out (only the rated R version of this line.) Meanwhile, the argument between the two women got to the point where I couldn't even focus on dialogue, whole scenes flying by like a silent film. Finally, the employee came back and asked them to leave. And as they began to file down the stairs, you know what I did? I said 'to hell with manners' and began a slow clap. Yes, just like the dramatic slow clap found in countless movies. My mom picked up my trail and in a matter of seconds I had gotten the entire theater to clap them off stage and out the door. Does this make me ill mannered, myself? No. Sometimes, my friends, you simply have to fight fire with fire. (But never, please never, spandex with spandex.)