Pros & Cons

Warning: This is a self serving blog entry.  Read at your own risk of boredom.

It dawned on me of late that I wasn't sure whether or not I actually liked myself.  Maybe it's a quarter life crisis (I could live until 120 right? Who am I kidding, it would have to be a 'one-third' life crisis)... or could be it has to do with my recent breakup... or maybe it's some larger existential dilemma.  Well, whatever it is, I decided to make a list of all the things that irritated me about myself and then sift through the muck and try to find some redeeming qualities underneath it all.  Let's begins with some of the cons (note: this list has been edited to protect the ego.)

1. My fingernail polish always chips a day later.
2. I watch too much TV.
3. I can't cook to save my life.
4. My bangs always curve in one direction as if by some magnetic pull.  And I could use more hair.
5. I'm terrible at keeping in touch.
6. My boobs are too big (and, yes, this is a con)
7. I have never been good with authority.
8. I prefer to read Stephen King over Yeats.
9. My one freelance TV script was never produced.
10. Babies frighten me.  As does marriage.  And spiders.  And failure.  And technology.  And any sport that requires balance.  
11. I get stressed out very easily.
12. I cannot focus enough to do yoga or Tai Chi or meditation.
13. I don't have a literary agent, and I've been at this game for 5 years.
14. I get my feelings hurt easily but am an expert at hiding it... which I hear is a bad thing. 
15. I never know the appropriate amount to tip.
16. I am quick to anger.
17. I should have put money in an IRA about 10 years ago.
18. I don't volunteer nearly enough.
19. I am a horrific gardener.  Plants die at my feet.
20. When I'm hungry I get very whiny.  And that's putting it nicely.
21. I can't tell one bottle of wine from the next.  It's red or it's white.  Done.
22. My feet are getting bigger from training.  WTF!!!!!
23. I am never up enough on politics and world events.  Don't read the paper.  Avoid the nightly news.  Shameful.
24. I find pleasure in cracking jokes about strangers.
25. I'm afraid of heights.
26. I am awful at romantic relationships.
27. I have neglected my banjo.  And my Italian.  And my piles of books waiting to be read.  And this blog.  And my current screenplay.  And, often, my cat.
28. I am extremely cynical.
29. My teeth need whitening.
30. Worst of all, I'm 30 and have no more answers about who I am and what I want than I did 10 years ago.

So considering this lofty list - a list that only scratches the surface - can there be anything in this Blackheart capsule I call a body/soul/personality worth celebrating?  Yes.  Two things.  There are two, count them two qualities about myself which have been there since the beginning and have only gotten better with time.   1.)  I am a strong person.  And 2.) I am an adventurer.  Both traits are very chicken-or-the-egg.  A symbiotic relationship.  To be strong in life you have to have a spirit of adventure, knowing that no matter what comes your way, there's still more to discover.  To be adventurous, you have to be strong, because you have to have the guts and courage to go beyond what's safe and secure and seek out the unknown.  Trite as this may all sound, it gives me hope to know that in the lengthy con list of life, I've got two things going for me.  And I guess, for now, that will have to do.